RpYesterday Irg learnt some aspects about how I am now.
It is indisputable that I am better since my medication is twice as before, so I am be able to go out and do more activities, as it happened yesterday.
When we were way to the beach, a car overtook ours, while the passengers did signals. They were friends of my friends who dance together. I used to dance, but when my mental illness started, I gave up it, so I didn’t know these people. Then, they began to text on WhatsApp each others and decided go together to the beach. In this moment my lungs started to gasp stronger so I had to do my relaxing exercises and i tried to behave as normal as posible, but actually I didn’t feel like being with more people. It was too much for me.
Once on the beach, the atmosphere was perfect, a soft breeze run meanwhile a light mist allowed us sunbathe without burnt the skin. We booked some hammocks next to the sea, and the others booked them behind us, so I could was laying there calmly.
My friends are so helpful , they were always worried about me and don’t mind spend their time with me, they handed to take everything that we needed , even the wine that we took was non-alcoholic for me. I am very luck to be these friends.
Well, things that I realised yesterday:
– I can’t think about either future, past or tomorrow, because a strange sensation goes through my body, as a hopelessness by I don’t find my place in this world.
– When someone speaks about dancing or I listen to music related to salsa or bachata, as yesterday happened, I get anxious and sad. Why is that? I am not sure, but maybe because I remember the past when I started to feel bad, even though dancing enjoing myself quite, but I didn’t fit there so the sensation of loneliness was present in me when I danced.
- In the afternoon, people was laughing around me while my depression returned to me, I felt utterly naked, withe no protection, thinking again that I don’t mind kill myself, but I tried to leave pass these thoughts.
This happened also in the morning when I was in the car way to the beach.
To sum up:
- I was able to spend the day outside with this medication, although I barely spoke with the friends of my friends, I prefered to be my own world writing.
- Relaxing music and writing help me to calm down.
- The thoughts of despair and death return to me every now and again, even when I am well.
– by Dreams’Espe