RpYesterday Irg learnt some aspects about how I am now.

It is indisputable that I am better since my medication  is twice as before, so I am be able to go out and do more activities, as it happened yesterday.
When we were way to the beach, a car overtook ours, while the passengers did signals. They were friends of my friends who dance together. I used to dance, but when my mental illness started, I gave up it, so I didn’t know these people. Then, they began to text on WhatsApp each others and decided go together to the beach.  In this moment my lungs started to gasp stronger so I had to do my relaxing exercises and  i tried to behave as normal as posible, but actually I didn’t feel like being with more people. It was too much for me.

Once on the beach, the atmosphere was perfect, a soft breeze run meanwhile a light mist allowed us sunbathe without burnt the skin. We booked some hammocks next to the sea, and the others booked them behind us, so I could was laying there calmly.

My friends are so helpful , they were always worried about me and don’t mind spend their time with me, they handed to take everything that we needed , even the wine that we took was non-alcoholic for me. I am very luck to be these friends.

Well, things that I realised yesterday:
– I can’t think about either future, past or tomorrow, because a strange sensation goes through my body, as a hopelessness by I don’t find my place in this world.
– When someone speaks about dancing or I listen to music related to salsa or bachata, as yesterday happened, I get anxious and sad. Why is that? I am not sure, but maybe because I remember the past when I started to feel bad, even though dancing enjoing myself quite, but I didn’t fit there so the sensation of loneliness was present in me when I danced.

  • In the afternoon, people was laughing around me while my depression returned to me, I felt utterly naked, withe no protection, thinking again that I don’t mind kill myself, but I tried to leave pass these thoughts.
    This happened also in the morning when I was in the car way to the beach.

To sum up:

  1. I was able to spend the day outside  with this medication, although I barely spoke with the friends of my friends, I prefered to be my own world writing.
  2. Relaxing music and writing help me to calm down.
  3. The thoughts of despair and death return to me every now and again, even when I am well.

– by Dreams’Espe
27/06/2016

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