I am so shattered that I even couldn’t go. for a hard walk, I just took my dog for a little walk. Mmy weak limbs is complaining and my mind isn’t  able to order them to work like a good  determined athlete, thus, I am again lying on my sofa writing this post.

Today there is an important event which makes me get nervous.
This evening,  like  last summers,  there is dancing parties every Wednesday evenings in a big garden in my town.  I used to go and I really  enjoined dancing the whole time and after this I was for a drink  with my friends.  But this year, I am not  ready to go yet, I get anxious whenever I think about this, even though a friend of mine is coming to the party from Granada, who I haven’t seen since last December. I asked my psychologist for this question and he agrees with me, because the only thought  about dancing makes me more depressed, so it’s better to wait until I don’t feel in this way. But it’s sad that something  I liked so much now hurts me.

Like I say: ‘I am utterly lost’

Home, I have never been very familiar, but like every thing bad brings another one good, doesn’t  it?, During my mental illness my mother and my brother have been worring about me, thus, we are having  far more relation each other than before. I have spent much time without going out, but now that I feel like doing it, but only in calm places, I am visiting more frequently my mother. 
This morning  I meant to visite her, so I have came to her house, my house, and as I find that my mother is not here, she might be shopping,  I have sat in her yard. All the sudden, I have felt like when I was younger and I lived here. It was my house, and now I feel at home, it’s relaxing. How things can change.

Today I came across with Paqui, the Association Piramide’s director. One of my main fears that produced high levels of anxiety to me was to see  her, not because I was afraid of her, but that I felt obliged to give an explanation, as until last November I was the President of this voluntary  association, which works with children with school problems. In that moment, I had to  convened a meeting in order give up to my place,  since  I was overload and I couldnt already fullfil my duties. It was the beginning of the depression. 

Today instead I expected,  she has given me strength, like  everyone in the Association. She has treated me affectionately  and with a huge respect above all. I realise,one more time, that I  am the only person who requires me to give explanations. She told me that they think ussualy in me, and she repeated the phrases that lately all that knows me well,  repeats.  The words are:’ I perfectly  understand your situation and anybody in your place  would was ill before than you. l know that you had fought hard and that you have suffered a lot and I sometime wondered, how you  can with everything ?” .

That makes me think that I was strong and now I need to rest until I recover, if  I recover, because the only thing I know is that I’m here, but I don’t know why,  what for, what I  will  do.  what I want or what I dont want. I just know that  I’m alive after a hard fight against depression, what is so much.

  • by Dreams’Espe

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